Oh ****, it's that word again !

I'm not given to swearing. In fact I'm bored hearing it most of the time, especially that one word which has become so widely used that it is probably meaningless. That's not meant to be 'holier-than-thou' in any particular shape or form. Over the years I have worked in a wide variety of places where oaths and profanities turned the air blue. Ask me if I get bovvered ? As usual, answers on a postcard .......... I have been known to use the odd expletive myself but when it's so widespread it becomes a real turn-off. Listening to a girl with an angelic face but the mouth of a sewer, approximately 12 years old, standing beside an absolutely unperturbed mother, I had a wry smile and a number of random thoughts on the matter.

Am I the only one, for example, who thinks that Billy Connolly was actually much funnier in the days before he felt the need to swear at least once in literally almost every sentence ? An odd thought, triggered by my experiences in France. When I was a kid, and until relatively recently you would hear the French referring to the English as 'les Rosbifs'. Now, you're more likely to hear gallic references to 'les ****-offs". I'm not even convinced that it contributes significantly to most films. Good actors could have made Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs etc just as gripping and exciting with far fewer swear words. Note I did not say ban swearing from films altogether.

Standing in one of those large booze warehouses in Calais is an prime example of the place to hear lots of that sort of English. You do get the odd laugh though. June, last year, in drove a large Volvo estate with a big Geordie at the wheel. He raced in and filled up his car with a load of beer in almost record time. Standing next to him as he was getting ready to get back on to the ferry, what did I hear but "That's the real ****ing stuff - Sans ****ing alcohol !" Result - me with the most massive fit of coughing when I looked and saw that, yes, he had filled his car up with - as he said - beer sans alcohol. I wonder if one of his mates set him up by telling him that 'sans' meant real. I don't suppose I'll ever know. Mind you, that stuff gives you an evil headache which should be punishment enough. I just wish I could have seen his face when he realised............

It's not confined to the areas afflicted by the booze-cruisers though. We've been staying in a pleasant little town 60 klicks north of Marseilles. If you're really that way inclined, you can get most of the day's papers you could get at home (Times, Mail, Independent etc) . There are clearly enough Brits to make it worthwhile selling them. What do you hear in the queues or sitting outside the cafes ? "****ing this" and "**** that" almost as often as you'd hear it at home - usually voiced by a shaven-headed lout with sunglasses perched on top of his shining pate. Actually, it seems to rhyme with 'dark' rather than 'duck' more often than not these days.

In Edinburgh for the Jazz Festival to see George Melly this year, hopefully not a bad move - for him, that is. I went to see Larry Adler a couple of years ago and he died shortly after so I hope that's not an omen. The reason is that I'm quite into the music of these old bluesmen - Dr John, Leon Redbone etc. The problem is that I go to see one of them and they die soon afterwards. Obviously, the writing is on the wall for Pete Green and John Mayall then.

Footnote (added 29.07.07): sad, but somewhat prescient comment in the paragraph above.  George Melly died a little while ago.  You have to admire his wit.  My favourite was that the great thing about Alzheimer's was that you kept getting to make so many new friends.

Anyway, back on topic: there were two occurrences that will probably remain with me for the rest of my life. I unlocked the car and opened the passenger door for my wife as I have been wont to do for all these years. She got into the car watched by a woman standing by the passenger door of the adjacent car while her man was opening his door. "You could do that for me" she said. "**** that" said the man. How to make the woman in your life feel cherished - not. The look on her face spoke volumes. That reminds me of a story from foreign shores concerning dowries but that's a topic for another post.

The other was in a Morrison's supermarket on the way out of the city. A little boy ran round a corner and barked his shin against the edge of a fruit and veg counter. "Aw ****" he shouted. His mother appeared as if she had materialised out of thin air. Clattering him good-style, what was her measured response ? "How many ****ing times have I told you no to ****ing swear, you ****ing stupid wee ****." What chance does the wee lad have ? However, it also made me think. Why do parents feel the need to take their children into supermarkets so that they can smack them ?