Sallying Forth (Singing Sealbhlaith's Song Softly)

Isn't it amazing ? Things that damage you when you're young or in your teens can leave deep lacerations that still hurt you immensely even decades later. This is, of course, even though those events - in hindsight, or from a different perspective, are relatively trivial events. From my point of view I now know that, looking backwards and with much thought, there were several events which all happened earlier in that one week. They conspired to leave me in such a vulnerable state that what happened was bound to be devastating. Knowing that didn't help me very much at all for such a long time. I've pondered this post quite seriously, wondering if I should sally forth into cyberspace with it or not. Oh well, here goes.

Sealbhlaith, Sarah or, more precisely, their diminutive -- "princess" (how apt that was !) / "lady of possessions" -- who humiliated me so completely and publicly when I was 16 or so, haunted my thoughts for quite a lot of years, albeit less and less so as the years passed. She's probably forgotten it completely by now. I still wake up in a horrendous sweat in the early hours of the morning - too often for my liking, even now, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me up whole when I remember that particular incident. On a really bad day the feelings from that particular nightmare can last long into the day.

There is a fair amount of irony too, in that I suffered significant amounts of serious 'ragging' at the hands of my peers for a long while afterwards because of that humiliation yet in so many ways it was one of the things that actually made me focused and determined to be successful. My life really began once I left school and went to university. So here I am, nearly 60 years old with a degree and several diplomas plus a far better life than I could ever have dreamed of when I was 17. Sealbhlaith's the one who's been married several times and from all reports, has had quite a hard life since leaving school. I would never have wished that on her whatever. I hope I could never be that shallow or vindictive.

I hear occasional news of "the princess" and, coincidentally, one of her friends -- "Foreign woman, speaking no Greek" -- from various former classmates. By chance I saw a set of supposed new-age versions of name meanings recently. The modern interpretation of "foreign woman's" name is supposedly "S**** like a rabbit. Not fussy about appearance" - that's really so unkind and absolutely so untrue ! She had a warm open personality and nice nature, both of which were luminous. I found them both, together with the french girl who was the third of the alpha females in that year group, incredibly attractive though.

I actually spared "foreign woman" from total humiliation - ok, merely acute embarassment after the last dance at our school's Senior Prom. I didn't ask her out out. Work that one out. Even as the idea crossed my mind I realised how much she'd have to bear if the word got around that I'd asked her out. So I checked my tongue - to my great regret ever since. She might even have said yes, However I've always believed a man should always be realistic - and I had absolutely no illusions how I was perceived by that particular circle of girls. I guess she would have blushed a lot but then found it remarkably easy to say no. I've always wished her well though.

I met the french girl about 3 years after I left school whilst working in a menial job during the summer vacation. Clearly she thought I was doing that for a living. Her jaw probably left a dent about 6 inches deep in the floor as it dropped when she saw me. She said something to the effect of "What are you doing here ? You're far too clever to be doing this !" I was SO surprised. I had always assumed that she and the rest didn't rate me at all in looks, intelligence or personality. Still I suppose one out of three's not too bad. Actually it was a job which paid enormous wages relative to average money thanks to copious amounts of overtime - the basis for much of my financial well-being these days thanks to enjoying Mathematics at school and developing an active interest in things financial.

As for Sally ? Well, I long since gave up hope of any sort of reconciliation. I did see her a couple of times in recent years. The first was quite a while ago near the green outside the church in the small(ish) market town where we grew up, went to school, church and Youth Fellowship. Our eyes met and she paused, puzzled for a few seconds. I realised she did not recognise me and I gave nothing away. Recently, I was enjoying un petit dejeune in a small bastide in the Dordogne when I realised she was in the same cafe. She has such a distinctive rich voice with cut-glass vowels and virtually flawless French (so unlike my rustic pronunciation and mangled verbs). As before, there was no hint of recognition when I pointed out she had forgotten one of her bags as she left (in my execrable French) : not too surprising I suppose. I look and sound so very different to several decades ago. Will I 'let on' the third time - if, perchance, there is a third encounter ? Perhaps. Probably not.

I went off to university shortly afterwards. Within 72 hours of arriving, I was asked out - to my absolute and utter astonishment - by a wonderful Texan girl called Heather - a real flame-haired American Beauty - who was the first of several really great girlfriends until I met my wife to be. Life began for real and just got better and better.